|
the mEp |
A u g u s t 2001 |
|
Lyrics of Life |
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august
31 2001
freeday
chewing
chewing little poots doesn't even know the date.
we're
in some altered state. what to do with the end of august...
java
done and poots groggy. woke early.
poots
needs a stretch - - - and a massage achy achy little bones
run up
that hill with all your mite: this is your town baby.
dust is
settling as piles of messes are put away.
travel
request forms and other papers fluff fluff fluff ask me IF I REALLY CARE. i'm
in a 'zona pelucida' - vacuum world after talks with the wise one! who's
waiting to be 65. lol.
yep this is accurately reflecting
things now - but the focus is hidden midst it.
shame.
because the focus gets clear clear in the misty misty. i feel quite STRONG now.
getting stronger every day....
learn to sit up straight no matter
how geeky it looks. be kind to your body.
feed it
when it says feed me or you'll become mentally ill. no pun intended.
lean to
the right, left. stretch when it needs stretching. why so physical you ask?
some times are just physical, i guess.
yes these are ramblings and good ramblings too - like i'm on the verge of discovering something more about me - about us - here in this place that connects us to japan and stockholm with click clicks here and there it's another miracle that we're used to.
i'm not sure what part of me feels
unused these days.
i know
which parts ARE used and that's a good thing.
i can
wrap those around the others and come up with a finished product.
sometimes
it's just nice to feel ahead of the game, strong enough to pray for people, for
myself, and for you too.
when
things become so clear they become so dull;
why stay interested the clear?
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august
28th 2001
twinklings
and bubblings in the poot stomach!
lists,
tickets, and luggage thoughts. chewing chewing.
entering
my deepest thoughts are empty like, i'm in a 'do' phase, no time for ponderation.
sometimes, it takes two.
now it's tuesday and the air is
still. the restful summery days are here, for us.
unquantifiable
things; walking to the video store, jogging down the hill, and planning annual
camp trips. july is for franticness; august is for restfulness while most are
in a state of frenzy again. the morning roads fill up and back to school is
everywhere. the weather says idyllic; from montreal to new york is a
strange place, the nephew is off to japan! and will i be able to walk my
morning walks over there?
"poetry of ordinary life is what i
live for " - v.s.
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august
27nd 2001
ignorance is bliss
ignorance.
it really gets you off the hook.
i've
got these huge theories about what happened to me on saturday as i re-arranged
and piled up 170 notebooks in front of me-but unfortunately it's not easy to
put into words and if i did it might end up being 170 notebooks long. in fact,
i suppose it is. you're welcome to read it, anyone is. i'm getting closer and
closer to transcribing the entire thing. in fact, these days they and the mEp
are getting more and more simliar as i speak of real life accounts here. but
this is all dull.
i'm in need of some fantastical
stories now and i have them. they're just not quite coming out. the newport mug
seems to empty quicker and quicker as i begin the countdown. people from all over
are wanting to come and visit us during our european expedition. is that
fantastical enuff? georgie was thrilled to hear it and family is happy that we
are coming back for sure this time. 'destination unkown' as hangs in our
doorway since 1994 becomes earily eary.
but
this time there are NO FEARS. the energy is right. don't know how to prove
that, but i just know it. maybe some nice prose will come from this box once we
arrive, who knows. it's not coming now so i'm outta here.
17 days. and counting.
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august
26nd 2001
compilations
poots
is in compiling mode. as the air thins out, the energy is transformed
into actions. paperwork still to be done; but she has completed a milestone
activity in the world of paper diaries. inspired ! to re-read certain sections
of my life, i'm thinking about eras and people that were completely lost in my
active brain. i'm thinking about relationships that my adult brain doesn't
remember, thoughts and feelings that were so much more juvenile than i could
ever have imagined. and it's all written down like an ugly drawing that you
love because your child did it. and you can't believe that you were that child
and that you don't remember being that child but you know you were and now your
fanatacism has allowed you to relive it momentarily.
um there's alot more than that going on these days - many life things churning in parallel, i'm probably ignoring or misplacing someone. i've been sending emails, i've been speaking to close friends, not as many as in 1984, but there are still alot and the comparisons are dumbfounding. merely realizing that i've actually grown up is some kind of small miracle. identifying more things about myself than i knew existed; watching who i was watching me change; am i so intrigued because the change is so dramatic? or am i actually still that same person, as Berdj said last night- have i learned to close the cover of the nuts? who knows, i'm not sure i want to. i think there's a part of our brains that we simply never go back to - and not because it's not there anymore, that's the scariest part. i only know this because i can read it, we don't all have that luxury.
i'm thinking now that maybe that's the case - and it's a sad case. or is it, as he said, merely animal instinct? i wonder now if that explains alot of this world...
well the total count for those who care (i certainly do) is about 170. of course that does not include the mEp, which now totals approximately 600 typed pages. i guess in handwriting, that might translate to double. there were several that i could not find but from eras i was less interested in yesterday. i actually thought there were a whole lot more. now i must protect them from fire. the most prolific year seems to be 1979 but it may be 1980 since my handwriting probably got alot more accurate in 80. you just can't imagine how freaking grown up you think you are when you're 16 years old. it's truly a freak of nature. and then at 36 - ! - which is my current age as of wednesday - you learn about yourself things you can't even imagine and you realize that maybe you don't know anything at all.
and you smile.
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august 22nd 2001
learning
once in
a while i still get the urge to learn. wireless spectrums, tony bennett, from here
on it's all details. subtleties, nuances from the edges of life's curves.
with
the wireless stuff, some of the basic tenets of spectrum physics have
very much changed from my girlhood and others have remained scarily the same;
as for tony, it's utter magic how he could set off memories of a world
that i never even knew and create that sinking pit feeling in my
oesophagus . a world filled with the preciousness of time that didn't even know
it was so. a society that defined a type of romance that exists only in
our ability to look back at it. and there he is, in the middle of 2001
cell-phone land, conveying the essence of that world to me in a moment so
private i've forgotten it already. this only shows how timeless and pure magic
what he does is. i'm not sure which is more of a miracle, that, or carrying
voices and data invisibly through the air. and then there's the
possibility that i'm just getting older. funny that.
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august 20th 2001
i'm
being a lazy girl;
with my
over sugared coffee i stare back at the meowing cat next door,
wondering
what all the fuss is for.
i'm not
fat but a nice tan is slimming.
left,
right, what was it i wanted to write?
tick
tock. tick tock. file save.
christmas
snoopy stares back at me reminding me of how quickly things change. one, two,
three, our little 'too-good-to-be-true' mousekateer gang will be effectively
completely disbanded as of september 13th. it's weird the way he left, never
mind weirder how she did; and now here i go, we go, on yet another journey. and
the crazy part is, fortuitous a generous amount yes but the irony of it is,
that we feel perfectly contented here and i'm wondering if berdj will disappear
again this time. i certainly hope not.
i have
no grand soliloquies to write (or spell?);
i'm not
feeling too much rush of emotion;
i'm not
packing;
i'm not
really doing much at all.
i'm
following what seems to be a pre-scribed route, with grooves that keep me on
it. yet some see life's offerings as scary change or decisions that mean
uncertainty. well yes i suppose they are. but i can't imagine having ONLY
certainty in life. perhaps if one had no certainty in other things then one
would need it in a daily life. for me, i merely see the route forking ahead and
see no other choice but to take the road that goes unknown. especially as i see
it going uphill. this is all i am thinking, really. i'm thinking about wearing
suits and working with foreigners; i'm thinking about seeing Shashi again for
the third time, and perhaps having some visitors who will sleep on an air
mattress. i'm thinking about being several time zones from santa barbara,
and of my plants which someone else will water. these are mostly what occupies
my thoughts; nothing more complicated really, on this journey.
i've
barely seen my sister all summer;
the
cooler air is welcome respite;
and
i've not to spend trips with water buckets to keep the flowers alive.
something
is keeping me from climbing that hill, i'm not sure what it is,
i'm
contented here where i am;
i love
to see the little letters fill this page:
and
just being here,
in the
moment,
in the
breezes,
with a
shiny table,
and
little red snoopy smiling at the world;
is
quite rewarding,
enjoyable,
and me.
and the puss, still meowing out the
second story window.
remember, i'm a netscape girl.
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copyright Poot's Place 2001