September                                November

October 12 1999

i am changing.
like a gangly teen grasping for signs of
who they are - arching their necks and brains
in a lonely attempt to recognize what they
have yet to become, i am growing.
has this computer created an introspecitve,
inward-gazing woman, or is this who i was
always destined to become?
my father is a musician. he spent his
days staring at numbers, much like i stare
into a grey screen and his nights absorbed
in his music. that comforts me because i was
very much comforted by his music.
and then thirty-three years later he
came out again. i just don't kinda want
to wait that long. he did it for money.
see the pattern?


October 09 1999

so here we are; me and you.
"i'd rather take a blow
at least then i would know;
but baby don't you break my heart slow"
she sits in her matrix and i in mine-
looking for own morphei,
what will save us?

what's up with accomplishments
that cannot be appreciated?
Is this part of some evolutionary-grubbing
for something more, something permanent
that is a cruel joke

i woke up with energy
enough for two!
we danced the Matrix dance
and my guilt disappeared, momentarily.
there was something about the day
the blustery warm automn day
that filled me with vitality
a desire to go, to do, to be!

but now it is night again
and here i sit, you , me , and the
staring into this grayness this box
wondering why

the short days can be difficult

they say my cousin stanley
has schzophrenia.

funny, he seems normal to me.

october early 1999

i'm in a state of motion
with no where to go
unable to sit or go slow

automn brings energy
winding me up wound wound
my time alone is unfamiliar\
and i think i have yoga-elbow

hot tea cannot slow me down
my head spins my guts gurgle;
a woman on the radio
has lost her seventeen year old

an empty stomach and onion-burned eyes
are staying awake to stare into this grayness
exploring, seeking, feeling, knowing,
hoping to touch someone - anyone
as this highly sensitive person
wades through waters she knows are deeper
by herself

a split decision and the thumbnail,
almost grown, is gone. fall air brings
and dry nails
that tear easily after washing macrobiotic dishes

there's lots of plants now,
inside, piling up, needing care,
and maybe other things
cleaning boxes towards a tidy room
maybe loving someone i don't know
maybe listening to these humans calling Delilah
reaching out ;

tommorrow, all my extra hair goes away
i doubt it gets recycled or composted;
and after the pretty young woman sweeps it up
she goes home to her boyfriend and kisses
him with her full lips

they buy new cars
and laud the radio lady who
drives an old car

and the last of the
long summer tan fades
ever so slowly from
my active forearms
goodbye, long summer
goodbye, decade,
goodbye, century.

my first love;
you're every breath that i take
you're every step i make...
and i
i want to share
all my love
with you
no one else will do
your eyes
they tell me how much you care

you will always be
my endless love

october 1, 1999

white rabbits on friday
how is it, the beginning but the end
the little poot takes flight tonight
while babs stays home to rest
a groggy mind is yet unpacked
and and and and

family visits, what they talk about is what
we one day will do
or not?
now, i can't recall but for the wine and my new shoes
she said they make my little feet look big;
stand tall! little feet
and watch out for those who have none
shoes or family
they spend far more time just living
those ones who know of the fish

passing the milk and the cream
saying; "this is milk, this is cream"
she didn't even read the box just
confirmed the selections and
passed the cream on

i'll be back october 4th