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december 27th - january 6th: away, away, away in the land of fires and sun.
finally the buzz has stopped, the cards have fallen and the brainspace required has returned. oops! too late, christmas is over.
is it really any wonder that Christmas is so anti-climatic? any wonder at all.
i'm browsing in the magazine store, everything seems appealing. i'm in the deli and i want to buy some food, browse around. too late. now that i have the time, i don't need it. just the time to sit around this living room staring, wondering, wishing i could capture this space forever.
there's so much i could write , now that i have the time. snippets in a book read:
"doesn't everyone have a standard that was created in childhood that they constantly and subconsciously strive to aspire to? otherwise, why go on?" and where is that darned confirmation number for our hotel now that we need it. it wouldn't have bothered me to lose it while i was busy but now that i have the time to think about it, it really, really, annoys me that i don't have it.
i'm hydrating in advance, scriblling little highly organized notes in a book that reads the above quotation, and in general looking forward to 11 days by the sea, even if it's that madhouse of a city. it will be interesting to have this perspective; purely tourist. it will be the first time. fresh eyes, no ties, friendly faces. that will be food for my soul.
i'm in that middle place now. a place i described below as private, inward. it's the few short hours in between life events that's just enough time to wonder why i wonder. it's in between thinking and doing. between living and dying. it's a neutral space that bothers me. and it bothers me that it bothers me.
i'm wondering how much of my perception of LA is completely wrong, how many of my memories jaded. i'm thinking many.
i'm thinking of many special people, one, many, one.
what combination inside of you,
brings you here.
is it a molecule, a hope, a particular life experience? whatever it may be, i am thankful
i can't bring you here if i want to.
i don't have the magical formula that would invite everyone into my space, guaranteeing some kind of virtual spiritual online comraderie.
so here i sit, three-D-ifyig these flat words,
dreaming out loud, living an unwritten novel in
my own mind.
it's a rich place; no beginning, no end, and no limits. it's a lonely place.
the energy that i had subsides as i gaze backwards and forward into the warmth of the sunshine.
it's a private time,
inside of me.
learning again, things that i've known.
half alone and half kept,
growing inside and out
in several directions at once.
let's take all of this,
take it forward without haste,
into whatever situation this life will bring.
i'll do my best to be patient,
to uncomplicate that which seems overwhelming,
and sit back on my little poot-boot,
giving to the pile of this life
in the only way i can.
for a moment in time
here i am
nestled between the inside and the white outside
my moments become few, precious.
my sausage casing tighter now,
i'm not sure which came first - the life injection,
or the limitless amount of energy overiding everything
i seem to be doing these days.
i have a new job.
i'm mustering the remnants of energy accumulated from my already 'old' job required for lmcsadg. i'm bringing some meaning into my life and we're having loud discussions in the dining room. it's a tossup between how crazy i risk to make them think i am and how seriously they take me. but for the first time, it really feels right, this craziness. feels like i can take this one wherever i go, feels like it's applicable.
outside tiny snowflecks fall. it's the olden days kind of snowfall, where the inside branches of trees won't let go of the whiteness that covers them and it's not really cold enough that you can't watch where you are going when you walk. it's the comforting winter days, the sky is as white as the ground as it lets out only enough snow to cover your face and make the world whiter and whiter.
i don't feel white, i don't feel white at all.
i feel very coloured, coloured alive.
i'm celebrating in my private way,
i'm dancing in the snow.
i'm sailing over seven seas; i'm laughing in God's hands.
i'm awake! i've heard the good news! i'm standing in a river, i'm a man named John.
i'll join you. i'll rejoice with you.
i'm being drawn here;
"people look around
say hello to someone;
say hello to someone
you don't know
people look around
say hello to someone
say hello to someone
you don't know"
so what is happening here, is that i'm being injected with a strength at a very opportune time. it's happened to me over and over again in my life, and mostly by chance. each time it does, my world gets bigger, and the real one smaller.
the walls around me are lower now; the mortar holding the bricks at my feet thicker. i'm steadying myself for what is to come even though no one knows what it is.
and the Holy Spirit has come unto me at this time of great joy, proclaiming me a believer. all the children at his feet knew the answers; as do I. i could not stop the tears in my way as i watched a bunch of little children who perhaps always believed, sing through the motions of what they have learned in that house of God. at that moment, i learned that i had never believed, but that perhaps those around me did. perhaps many of the ones around me believed, because there they were now with their small children at the altar, singing, and beckoning, together and out loud. my voice became louder at that moment, and my pride intense.
all i really needed to know was that they believed.
i have taken the lessons i learned in that place with me through my life. i have said hello to those in need, i have forgiven those who have sinned. i have turned the other cheek and i have felt guilty to have more than i need. i cannot tell you how much i belong in that place, how much of it is inside me at every moment.
on a rumpled marriot page:
a sleepy nite of smelly creams
my eyelids work their weight
a screeching moon
the biscayne breeze
tonite, the world's a heavenly place
the heron flies o'er beers a green
latino women sing;
around again in novice arms
tonite i'm born a king
i can't say why, nore ever when
this girl a woman grew
collecting pleasures worldy now
though never none too few
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
and when i said i pray,
i meant it.
i discovered that i'm more city than i think i am.
there was a time when i would have been
overjoyed to realize that, but for some odd reason,
and that's not very city.
or maybe it is?
i've been a settlin' person and i'sa been an unsettlin' one.
when the world around me was settled and for sure,
i hopped from one place, one ideaology, one dream, easily.
i grasped for any iota of change,
for whatever was possible.
and oh, a change did come.
when that moment arrived; the true test of my reslience,
i found myself in shock. who was this person afraid of change,
who was this adult woman? since why did she have limits?
it seemed that the amount of change i could withstand had been grown from something beyond my control, something i didn't even know i had. something i wouldn't have wanted to admit back then, something that i had no choice to accept, and something that i will be eternally greatful for. I could not leave my family. without them, no change was possible, my own strength diminishing by the millisecond. i had not changed my world by myself, i did not get anywhere, really. what happened was a cumulative
effort, carried out by me. to forsake is to deny it. to deny it is to lose it. and to lose it, well that just ain't an option now is it?
so isa been a settled for a while. a little bit turned inward on myself. a little bit worried about my original plan, a lot comforted by having a foothold on something, anyways. in the comfort zone, mildy, and then completely - now that the plants have new leaves on the table, and turnout for a party was full. Time and brainspace to help my brother, clarity to deal with the relationnships that are worthwhile, peace of mind to enjoy the beaminng sun through my eyelashes, and decisions like 'who really needs a new car anyways' are the result of being settled, the results of knowing that my feet needed planting; my head needed warmth.
and now, it's time, and that leap off the cliff looks like so much fun,
i can barely stand it.
earlier on in time...
mellows my soul
smooths the rough edges
brings me to work on a rainy monday via public transit with creative brain waves brimming brimming and positivity more than i can muster.
now with many many thoughts and the time of day to put it down that is the prime directive; the stretched time with which to play with our thoughts to evaluate them and think them through.
1. bubbling heart
2. people said nice things - G said: 'I'll kiss ya'
3. hearts too damaged to love
4. smell of the metro makes me feel 16 again
5. moving along without thinking -
6. do they all feel like losers for being there and if so, why do i feel like a winner ?
7. if it's natural for me to feel this way then why would i fight it?
i should be mepping while i'm inside a peaceful place.
i'm in a growing phase.
i'm in between new car and old car, i'm learning new spending values and re-affirming old ones. they are important too.
my Electronic pen